Wednesday, April 18, 2012

At The End of the Day, All You Have is YOU....

You know, it's a funny world we live in.  Some people are handed breaks left and right, while others break their backs just trying to get their own chance.  I had a conversation yesterday afternoon that left me a little defeated, so I am trying to work through it the best I can and keep chugging along.  I was actually criticized for how much time I am pouring into the barn and riding.  They questioned my delving into photography, when it is simply another way to fundraise for my horse habit.  They were asking questions like "when will I get tired of all the work involved?"

I can count on one hand the number of amazing opportunities I have been handed.  One of them is April - I can literally say that she was almost handed to me out of pure generousity and recognition that we would be a good match for each other.  But in general, I have mucked more stalls than I can count, trudged through mud and muck and come home tired, achy, and dirty more nights than I can count; all to support and continue my dream.

I didn't start this until I was seventeen.  I wasn't the six year old kid who was handed their first pony.  I didn't have a lesson til I was almost graduated from high school.  I had to give it all up for years when I moved across the country, got married, and was so broke I could barely keep a roof over my head.  But little by little, I started finding ways to bring it back into my life, one step at a time.

It doesn't come naturally to me.  I don't have a natural "feel", I can't hop on just any horse and put them together, I don't go cross country and have a knack for it right off the bat, and I certainly still struggle to do a simple course of fences in a ring.  Yet for some reason, I keep trudging after in pursuit of the dream, that one day it will all click and I will "get it". 

Some days I feel very alone in my quest, and I don't understand why everyone else seems to be deserving of support in their dreams and I am not.  Why is my passion any less realistic?  Yet if I set my mind to becoming a doctor or a lawyer, or something founded on formal education, I would probably have unwavering support.  Horses have been in my blood since I was born.  I was the kid who asked Santa for a pony every single year with unwavering faith that one day it would show up.  Now, as an adult, I have had to become my own santa.  I have devoted every bit of blood, sweat and tears - oh, the many many tears - to making it happen.

I suppose I don't really have much of a point or resolution in this particular post, other than pouring out the many jumbled thoughts that have been swirling around in my brain since yesterday.  Because you see, at the end of the day, all I have is me - my own support, my own faith that it will happen.  And it is up to me to make it all a reality.

8 comments:

  1. Winners aren't those who never lose, but those who never quit!

    I totally resonate with your post, and I just have to say, from one hard worker and passionate person to the other, don't give up, keep striving and I support you.

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  2. If you're doing this for YOU, then it doesn't matter what they say. We have passions and dreams not because they are easily obtainable, but because in their pursuit we become better people. Appreciate that, and tune out the others.

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  3. I know how you feel, and I am sure there are more of us out there that work hard and have to just follow our hearts in this amazing equine adventure...non horse people just dont understand.

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  4. Only as high as I reach can I grow. Only as far as I seek can I go. Only as deep as I look can I see, Only as much as I dream can I be. -Karen Ravn

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  5. I'm with the others, particularly Sand. Don't worry what others have to say... follow your heart. And if in your heart, you know its right... than nothing else matters. You will be ok!

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  6. I think the thing about it is, everybody's got some breaks and some gifts, and everybody's got challenges, and it's hard to tell from the outside what's going on in someone else's world. The ability to keep one's eye on the prize and putting one foot in front of the other, that's a skill and a talent in its own right, and very much worth having. :)

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  7. So many words of encouragement, and each one is so greatly appreciated!!! It is nice to know that there are so many others on a similar journey. Thank you to each and every one of you for your inspiring words!!!

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  8. Hey Becca, you aren't alone :) I wasn't allowed to ride until Sophomore year in high school where I had to muck stalls for lessons (which I didn't mind at all just being around horses was a blessing), but six foot surgeries really delayed my learning and I'm just starting to 'get it'. I don't have all the feeling I think I should have and some days I wonder if I'll ever get it, but it is those small sucess moments that you have to count and keep in the back of your mind at all times. It will come and keep your head high, and know that you are not alone :)

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