You know, it's a funny world we live in. Some people are handed breaks left and right, while others break their backs just trying to get their own chance. I had a conversation yesterday afternoon that left me a little defeated, so I am trying to work through it the best I can and keep chugging along. I was actually criticized for how much time I am pouring into the barn and riding. They questioned my delving into photography, when it is simply another way to fundraise for my horse habit. They were asking questions like "when will I get tired of all the work involved?"
I can count on one hand the number of amazing opportunities I have been handed. One of them is April - I can literally say that she was almost handed to me out of pure generousity and recognition that we would be a good match for each other. But in general, I have mucked more stalls than I can count, trudged through mud and muck and come home tired, achy, and dirty more nights than I can count; all to support and continue my dream.
I didn't start this until I was seventeen. I wasn't the six year old kid who was handed their first pony. I didn't have a lesson til I was almost graduated from high school. I had to give it all up for years when I moved across the country, got married, and was so broke I could barely keep a roof over my head. But little by little, I started finding ways to bring it back into my life, one step at a time.
It doesn't come naturally to me. I don't have a natural "feel", I can't hop on just any horse and put them together, I don't go cross country and have a knack for it right off the bat, and I certainly still struggle to do a simple course of fences in a ring. Yet for some reason, I keep trudging after in pursuit of the dream, that one day it will all click and I will "get it".
Some days I feel very alone in my quest, and I don't understand why everyone else seems to be deserving of support in their dreams and I am not. Why is my passion any less realistic? Yet if I set my mind to becoming a doctor or a lawyer, or something founded on formal education, I would probably have unwavering support. Horses have been in my blood since I was born. I was the kid who asked Santa for a pony every single year with unwavering faith that one day it would show up. Now, as an adult, I have had to become my own santa. I have devoted every bit of blood, sweat and tears - oh, the many many tears - to making it happen.
I suppose I don't really have much of a point or resolution in this particular post, other than pouring out the many jumbled thoughts that have been swirling around in my brain since yesterday. Because you see, at the end of the day, all I have is me - my own support, my own faith that it will happen. And it is up to me to make it all a reality.