Reflections

You know, it is so easy to forget the advances we make in our riding.  We tend to get so tied up in the issues of the present moment that the giant leaps we have already made just fall to the wayside.  I was reflecting back on this particular notion last night, reflecting on where I was a year ago today.  Then I remembered a blog I had started, right before I started this one.  It was a "secret" blog, because god forbid anybody know what I was up to back then...Without further ado, I suppose I will copy my first entry below, from exactly one year ago.

Sunday, January 9th, 2011

New Year, New Me?

So, I've realized over the last week that I had been expecting the New Year to be some sort of miraculous turnaround from the horrific year that was 2010. In some ways, it has felt as though the slate has been wiped clean, but I have realized that the changing of the calendar unfortunately does not do away with what happened last year. I guess I thought that I could leave all the pain and grieving of 2010 in 2010 - unrealistic expectation, I know.

I set a few goals this year. One of the top priorities is to improve my riding and get both of my horses to their first show. I have wanted to get help with my mare, Delilah, for a long time. Lately my relationship with my trainer has been a bit off. It seems as though our barn has formed an elite clique, and while I am sometimes included, more often than not I am on the fringes. Yesterday I was crushed to come out and see a lesson being taught when I have asked repeatedly for help with my mare - for a lesson, for photos to be critiqued - and I have received no response. So I took a wild leap, and I contacted an acquaintance to set up a riding lesson. I feel like a double agent. I feel conniving and back stabbing, and I'm not really sure why. Yet at the same time, I am so excited to do something for me. So my first lesson is at 1:30 today, and I am looking forward to it for now, and will deal with the guilt later.

One of my other goals is to get my house in better order. A former pastor of mine used to say that when you have a lot of spiritual "junk" inside, it shows up on the outside. If that is the case, I'm guessing my spiritual life needs to get in order as well, because my house has been a mess more often than it has been clean.

And lastly, I want to work on me. I want to be a better person. I don't want to be jealous of the girl with the free horse who is a star, just because I have a mare that is still green, and a gelding that has gone through surgery, recovery, and may never accomplish the goals I have in mind. I want to focus on myself instead of everyone around me. I jokingly titled my blog Confessions of a Self-Described Headcase - but it often feels as though it is true.

So that's the start of this, and we will see where it goes. For now, this is a place to vent, rant, and have an outlet, since I don't feel like I know who my friends are anymore. I guess that is yet another thing to discover this year.

 

Okay, so obviously, my goal of getting my house in order got bumped back to 2012.  But in regards to my riding....it is unbelievable how much my life has changed since then.  For one, Kelsey is now my regular trainer.  She has also become a dear friend, mentor, and a true aspiration.  She helped me to take the steps in finally making the right decision for me, and moving on to a horse that would challenge me and teach me, rather than scaring the pants off of me.  I have to laugh a little now, because my "frustrating" lesson on April this past Sunday isn't a fraction of the frustration I used to feel after getting off of Delilah.  I couldn't even canter her without going into mild cardiac failure.  For goodness' sakes, I couldn't jump a course EVER.  I am learning things that would be considered basic intermediate riding skills - and they are brand new to me, because I rode without progressing for so long because I was limited by the horse and rider combination I was in.  Turning off your outside aids is so basic.  But I have never been taught, because I never put more than two fences together on Delilah. 

I felt so guilty when I took that first lesson with Kelsey.  But it was a tiny step that blew a whole new world open for me.  I left that day soaring, because in our first lesson, she put me over a 2'9'' fence, which was something I hadn't done since god knows when.  The best part?  I never felt more than a fleeting seconds' worth of hesitation.  From there, I continued to return, as often as I could.  Mostly I rode Phaye, her semi-retired Trakehner mare.  Phaye is strikingly similar to April, so it set a good foundation of challenging me to push my comfort zone a little at a time.  I look back on those first lessons with a lot of fond memories.  Ridiculous memories too...like sneaking helmets into coats, so no one would ask why I was taking my helmet from the barn.  I got so scared that I would be caught that I finally bought a second used helmet!  Oh, the hilarity we go through to avoid a little drama.....

I also reflect back on the funniest statement of all from that blog last January.  The little nugget about not wanting to be jealous of the girl with the free horse.  Ironically, that girl is now my closest and dearest friend.  That free horse is living in our barn, and venturing into the eventing world along with me and April.  And now that I have my fiery red mare, I couldn't ever dream of that horse having been mine.  In the first place, I was scared of my own shadow back then, and he would have intimidated me beyond belief.  It took the journey of the last year to prepare me for April, and now I have found my own match.  For that, I am so incredibly grateful.

So that is a look into my head, though back when I wrote it, I vowed I would never share it.  But it seemed so relevant to what I wanted to share today anyway.